Taming Tantrums
Tantrums don’t have to be so overwhelming.
Let’s break them down so you can feel empowered next time they come up.
Lets set the scene: Little one is upset. He wanted to play with his Legos, but he is being told he has to put them away because playtime is over.
You see the tension start to rise in his body. Time seems to slow as you see him debate if he is going to flip out…or do as he has been asked.
Lucky you! He chooses option A, and begins to throw Legos around and grunt in a nonsensical way.
Here is how you can respond:
Take a moment to assess how you are feeling. If you had gone for calm walk by yourself just before this moment, you could easily access and share your calm. It would be easy to be present with your child as they express being upset.
But, if it is 5:00 pm after a really shitty workday and you are in the midst of trying to get dinner ready---this situation is likely to make you feel enraged. So the first thing to ask yourself is, “Can I navigate this right now?”
If the answer is no, and your child is safe, give yourself permission to take a moment (5-10 minutes) to find calm.
Then, step into the situation.
Simply put, when our children are dysregulated---throwing things and unable to calm, they are not thinking clearly, they are acting from a primal part of their brain. Lecturing them, explaining things---it's all a waste of energy.
Sitting with them and labeling their feelings in very short simple statements can help calm.
Think caveman talk.
“you mad we stop"
“you no want to stop"
“you sad”
(as our children get older, we can use more refined terms and statements)
This isn't a magic wand moment, and it will take practice and repetition of simply “being with” them in their heightened state. Look for the moment where their energy begins to take the turn towards calm. You will almost literally see the moment their brain clicks back into a learning state.
When your child is able to listen and hear you, soak in reconnection and give your child a chance to redo the moment in a more positive way.
“Do you want help cleaning the Legos? Let me help you. I'll get the blue blocks. You get the yellow? Let's see who is fastest.”
or
“I know it is hard to stop playing. Do you want to clean up the blue or yellow Legos? Then come help in the kitchen!"
This isn't an end-all-be-all of managing tantrums, but my hope is that it may guide you in starting to take on tantrums in a mindful way.
Or, in the very least---to have some direction rather than grasping for straws and winging each time a tantrum comes up.
But Krista!
What about my tantrums?
I hear this. Just because we know these steps, that we know the ideal path---doesn't mean that we are perfect. We tantrum too. And we feel like the absolute worst parent that ever existed after. THese moments make us sure we have royally messed up our child forever (heads up—-you haven't).
So what do we do when we lose it and act a little less than kind and connected with our kids?
First, acknowledge to yourself that you are human.
Because you are. Feelings, even intense ones happen. If we never expressed negative emotions, our child would feel so alone in theirs.
Second, reflect on what came up for you.
“Bobby throwing the Legos really made me feel disrespected”
“I hate the mess he was making as he threw things around."
“His screaming really was too much. I can handle him not wanting to clean, but I hated how loud his screams were.”
Last, repair.
This isn't about getting forgiveness from your child. But it is about owning your behavior.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset about the Legos being thrown.” This role models accountability for the behavior while letting them know the feeling behind it. No need to over-discuss it or talk about it for an extended period of time.
I hope you find this helpful. I really, truly love unpacking these dynamics in parenting. If you are looking to have a fresh start in your parenting in the new year, I would love to talk about how we can work together!
Click the button below to schedule a time for us to chat.
Take a moment for yourself today,
Krista Haller LPC, PMH-C
I have been a licensed professional counselor for over a decade. Although my work has ranged from children to adults, my heart is working with mothers.
For three years I was a home visitor for Early Head Start, providing early intervention services to all kinds of families with varied needs and stressors.
In that time I was lucky enough to be trained in various attachment approaches, including Circle of Security, Trust Based Relational Intervention, and the Gottman Institute’s Bringing Home Baby curriculum. In 2020, I completed my Perinatal Mental Health Certification.
